


Wherever You Are

by setmynameinhighlights



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crying, Language, M/M, Nude Photos, Pressure, Sexual Content, Want, psychological self harm, this is just really sad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setmynameinhighlights/pseuds/setmynameinhighlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry shifted in his seat, wiping at the tears that were starting to cover his face, but not wanting them to go away for their pure meaning of the want and need for something he couldn't have. </p><p>"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Niall's whisper was out of the blue and yearning for an answer, so he would be able to help in any possible way he knew how. Niall knew that there wouldn't be a way, but somehow, he just hoped. </p><p>The curly-haired boy pulled his legs closer to his chest, sniffing and letting a shaky breath out from his seat in front of the king-sized bed that only he now shared. Alone.</p><p>"It's the greatest amount of self-harm I can give myself. A cut or burn would never amount to being blatantly rejected by someone who means the fucking world to you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wherever You Are

**Author's Note:**

> Just fyi, this is a little all over the place because it has to do with real life experience. This is based off my own relationships and it's a little more personal for me. Some of the texts/conversations are real, so please be respectful. 
> 
> Follow me on my social network;  
> tumblr: emilys-1x1.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks, guys!

      _"Why do you think that best friends don't realize that they're made for each other? Like, in all seriousness, all these girl's who have a guy as their best friend... why do you think they don't realize that they're just meant to be together?" Isn't that supposed to be fate or something?" Harry turned on the sofa to face the boy he was already sitting next to. He could see the boys eyelashes on his cheek through the subtle darkness of the evening._

_The TV was playing something that neither of them had the will to pay attention to, as they both discussed their life and what kind of issues prevailed. It was things like why they hadn't found the right person for them yet, or what kinds of things were holding them back. The good stuff-- the stuff that made both of them scared for the future. It was the kind of ideas that made both of them turn to each other and ask the real questions._

_"I don't know, Harry. I think that most people just don't look at their best friend that way. Or people look at their best friend as the same gender when you can't compare a friend to a lover because you're not afraid to show your imperfections, when really, that's the good stuff. That's when we get to decide who we let into our weird, little worlds." Louis' voice was raspy, but just from not speaking for a few minutes as he let Harry vent out his feelings to the universe. "That last part, that's from the movie 'Good Will Hunting'. It's my favorite scene in the movie. Robin Williams is a therapist who talks to Matt Damon about what love really is."  
_

_"I've never seen that movie." Harry bites the inside of his cheek, making a mental note that he'll need to rent it or find it on Netflix as soon as he leaves Louis' apartment._

_See, that's the thing. Louis is almost twenty, Harry is seventeen. They're both best friends, went to high school together for two years. Louis knows that Harry has a crush on him, and Harry tries to hide it and make the best of their friendship. It isn't the most ideal-- especially for Harry. Louis has a lot of relationships that Harry tries to keep up with, for the sake of his friend and the sake of his mental stability. But Louis makes sure not to hurt Harry in the process. He knows his boundaries and makes sure that Harry is in the best care possible. That's the best thing about it._

_"Yeah, get it. It's probably one of my favorite movies of all time. It's just one of those films that makes you feel good, but also look at your life in a different way than you had before. I didn't see myself so down in the dumps like I have recently. Someone always has it worse, you know." The question was more of a statement as he sighed out. His eyes move to the younger boy, putting his hand on the boys knee-- in a friendly matter that he knows Harry is looking at differently. He can see the pain in the boys eyes, so he moves his hand lower to make it nicer and not as sexually frustrating._

_"I just want you to let someone who you can truly love into your weird, little world." Louis' voice is barely above a whisper. Harry knows he should be calling his mom to pick him up, but he just wants to stay for a little while longer._

_\----_

     It's been about a months. Okay, no. A month, one week, and three days since he's heard from Louis. Harry knows that Louis suffers a depression so great that he can't even begin to pretend it's okay anymore. He warned Harry this time, at least. He told him that he didn't want to scare him, or worry him, but that he wouldn't talk to Harry in a few weeks-- months even. He said he needed time for himself and to just be alone. 

     Harry understood that. But Harry just wanted to help him. Louis didn't seem to understand that.

     The last time they talked was over text, and it was an in-depth conversation about true meanings of love. That seemed to be the topic of choice whenever they talked. Louis was a hopeless romantic, and always had been. They always discussed songs that meant the world to them, or movies that made them cry-- even when Louis was way too tough to admit that kind of thing. However, recently, Louis had been going on about how love didn't exist and movies only depicted false accusations that lead women and men into frenzies that would ultimately leave them hopeless. Harry understood, but sometimes, he really felt that that kind of love was out there. Why couldn't Louis  _see_ the love Harry had for him? 

     Harry had found love, however. 

     It wasn't  _love,_ but he found someone that he could potentially find that kind of love with. His name was Zayn, and he was very... nice. They worked together on Sunday's, and Zayn had a tendency to look at Harry with the eyes that Harry only wished Louis gave to him. It was alright, though, and Harry was starting to see a new side of something that he didn't think of before. There was too much Louis in the way before.

     There wasn't anyone but Louis for a long time. Of course, Harry could look at someone and think they were attractive and worth getting to know, but there was always such a depth with Louis. Louis was someone that gave his all, made Harry feel like he was worth the entire world and then some. That was the kind of person that Harry believed he wanted in his life, and someone that was worth giving his heart and soul to. 

     But Zayn was nice. Harry had to forget something that might never be, and he tried to as best as he could. 

     There was a day that Harry was at Zayn's that made him think about the relentless feeling that came with love. They were cuddling on the couch in the boy's basement, his family was upstairs making them dinner as he looked over at Harry and gave the most sincere of glances-- at least that's what Harry wanted to think.

     "You know, we could be making out right now, but you're making me watch a movie about flowers." Zayn kisses Harry's temple, and Harry tenses up a bit. It's not that he doesn't want to kiss Zayn-- he does. Kissing is good, kissing is fun and everything in between. But there is just something about Zayn that makes Harry confused and unwilling to be himself. He had never been a big party go-er, but he knew that Zayn drank  _a lot_. Something about that made Harry uneasy, as well. There were just a bunch of aspects that weren't clicking, and Harry got sick just thinking about them all. 

     "It's called  _Perks of Being a Wallflower_ , it's not about flowers, and I'm not making you watch it." His round eyes blinked a few times before they cast their glare up to the boy with the chiseled jawline he knew everyone was jealous of-- even Harry himself. "Can't we just have a conversation or something? I don't know anything about you, really."

     Zayn rolled his eyes, sitting up and letting his hand drop from around Harry's shoulders. That wasn't really what Harry had in mind, but he bit the inside of his lip from the disappointment that Zayn brought him sometimes. Why couldn't they just talk the way that Louis and him did? Just because Harry didn't want to makeout didn't mean he didn't want to be  _close_ to him.

     "What do you want to know?" The boy's tone was harsher than Harry would have liked, but he  kept his stature. He wasn't going to let this boy mess with him. Maybe Zayn had an issue with love, too.

     "Tell me anything." When Harry saw the boy not being able to come up with a  _single_ answer, Harry decided to go a little more in depth with it. "Tell me about your biggest regret. Something you did that was really stupid." 

      The boy seemed to tense, and Harry could feel it from his hands on the boy's body. He sat up, Harry looking up at him still. _Oh god,_ Harry thought _, he_ _killed someone._

     "Um, I used to be really bad with beer," Zayn looked at his lap, fiddling with the finger on his finger before continuing. "I don't know. My friends and I got really high and drunk one time, and it was really, really bad. We went to see a movie-- I don't remember what movie or what it was. All I can remember is waking up in the movie theater at some weird ass time. No one could find us, and they sent a helicopter and search team on us. We were asleep in the theater, but no one could see us." Zayn nodded a little bit, knowing that Harry was still staring at him with confusion and a little bit of disappointment. "I go to therapy a few times a week now. I had a bit of a drinking problem-- well, a bit of an anger problem, really. I solved it with alcohol." 

     Harry leaned over, letting Zayn know that he understood and was very sorry for his situation. He left a kiss on the boy's soft lips before pulling back and smiling a little bit. It was nice to see something so open about him, and warm. 

    "Tell me about yours now." The boy looked a little too excited to hear what Harry had to say. It was a cheeky smile that Harry knew Zayn had when he wanted to hear something dirty.

     Harry knew the exact moment in his mind. 

\----

      _It had been an extremely cold day-- the house was freezing, and Harry just wanted a warm shower. That's all he had been looking forward to all day. He had been texting Louis all day, of course. They would have little conversations about school and what everyone was doing, and Harry loved their relationship. They would text during class, and sometimes Louis would walk past his classroom and they'd see each other and wave. It wasn't that Harry was invisible to him, because he wasn't. It was just a little more subtle than being best friends around each other._

 _The problem was, they didn't exactly_ know  _each other outside of the school environment, which Harry was a little confused about. They should have gone out and done things together, but it was okay for what it was._

_Harry was turning sixteen the next week, and Louis was telling him all about how great it would feel to be sixteen. They talked about the things that change and things that don't, and how age really is just a number. They would talk about the hardships of finally growing up, and being able to make your own decisions once you turned eighteen. It was weird, honestly, but Harry didn't mind talking about it._

_They would also talk about relationships and getting more mature relationships. Harry knew that Louis had been in love before, but Harry hadn't. He didn't really know what love truly felt like when it was reciprocated. He knew what it was like to love-- he loved his family, his pets, his friends. But to truly love someone was something that Harry had never even really thought of before. Of course, he wanted to let the boy know that._

_At this point, they were getting to know each other on personal levels. Harry had just gotten undressed, texting the boy back as the shower started to warm up. There was almost a guilt with being naked and texting someone that you're crushing on, but he just wanted to text back before he got in. They were on their game of twenty questions, which always ended up being fifty questions by they time they were done. When Harry got a text back, one responding to his 'i'm about to get in the shower' text, his heart rate sped up._

**have you ever sent a nude photo?**

_Harry bit his lip so hard that he felt like he was going to explode. He hadn't. Had he thought about it? Yeah, of course he had. But he never had the... right person to send it to. No one that would appreciate it, at least. There hadn't been anyone-- Harry hadn't dated anyone. There had been a boy at school named Michael that was always on Harry's radar, but nothing too extreme. They had biology together and flirted a lot and shared test answer, but Harry had never wanted to pursue anything quite yet._

**_no, have you?_  **

_As he sent it, Harry propped his phone on he toilet so he would be able to reach it throughout his shower to answer the texts. The vibration was turned on, as well. He stepped into the burning hot water, realizing that he was a lot more warm than he thought. The semi he was sporting only made things worse as he drenched his curls in the steaming liquid, sighing heavily as he tried not to think about the nude photos._

_His phone vibrated, and he scurried around the shower curtain to look at the phone. Louis was going to drive him insane, he knew it._

**i'm not suggesting anything, but like... i'm suggesting something.**

_Harry froze, ironic to the shower that was making the room fog up._

**i'm not even going to lie to you right now, i'm really turned on hahah can we just exchange something? we're close enough for that right? it's a one time thing... if you don't want to, i get it. it's weird because we're friend, but you know... i don't know. maybe it's stupid.**

_His fingers were dripping as he typed out a simple reply._

_**hstyles01, snapchat me.** _

_The adrenaline running through his body was incredibly intense, feeling as though he was going to faint then. He wanted to touch himself, but he didn't want to make anything worse than it already was. His body rested against the shower wall as he leaned his head back and let the water drip over him, waiting for the vibration again. Of course, it happened only a few seconds later. Only this time, it was a snapchat, not a text. Harry wanted to die, but he knew that he couldn't just yet. He wanted to open that snapchat more than anything in the world right now, and as he stepped out of the waters way, he let the app open and saw that he could play it right then. Something was going to happen, and he didn't know what to expect. As he traced his finger over the SnapChat, he closed his eyes for a moment, pressing down, and opening them to see the boy as beautiful as he could have ever been._

_His shirt was off first, and he could see him biting his lip at the top. The sweats on his hips were low, but they weren't completely off, and Harry groaned in satisfaction. That only got him started.  
_

_Harry wasn't very good at flirting in real life, but over his phone he could make himself sound like the biggest whore of them all. Reading a lot and getting a lot of practice through the internet only helped him that much more. He let the camera open to his body. The curls were in his face, making him look that much more beautiful than he felt. They were dripping water, but created the sense of sexuality around him. This was a step for him. Louis wanted him this way, and it was going to be okay for them-- something was going to spark, and he felt that. As he snapped the photo, himself shirtless and his big, puffy lips that Louis always commented on, he wrote out 'already one step ahead... naked'._

_The next few only seemed to get steamier-- Louis was naked now. Videos were being thrown around-- sexual groans of each others names were put out there, and Harry could only think of what they would do to each other if they were together. The last snapchat was Louis with cum over his chest and the words 'thanks :)' before they didn't talk for about a week after that. Harry hoped it was out of embarrassment, but he knew that it was because Louis might have just been with someone else._

_That's how it always was, though._

\----

Friday, April 4th, 2014. 5:07 PM.

_**H: is everything okay?** _

**L: nope, nothing is. which is why you haven't heard from me**

_**H: ugh ): i'm so sorry** _

**L: it's whatever.**

_**H: i wish there was just a button i could press to make you happy.** _

**L: well that's not possible so don't get my hopes up**

_**H: i know it's not.** _

**L: it's a given that i'm going to hit the 1 year mark because i know this summer is going to suck, and i'm just going to be depressed the whole time and then i wasted a perfectly good summer which going to make this just last longer.**

_**H: we should do something then! i don't have a summer planned** _

**L: i wouldn't count on that, or me.**

_**H: c'mon! let's do something together :)** _

**L: listen, you don't understand what i'm going through. i don't want to be around anyone. everything is just a distraction from me trying to figure everything out, including finding myself. i hate laughing and actually enjoying something because once i come to my sense, i'll just be in a worse mood. everything i just a tease and i fucking hate it. this is why i don't talk to anyone and sometimes you. all i have to say is something negative and nothing but complaining. you can say what you want but i'm not changing my opinion on that.**

_**H: i'm not going to pity you. i'm sorry.** _

**L: please don't, i know you are. but that doesn't fix anything. at this point, i would be grateful to have one thing not go wrong. or to be able to actually sleep for once. everything is a constant headache. i can't sleep, then i get up, never eat breakfast, and drive to classes. i barely focus in my class, but i can't afford to fail so i have to try but it's so hard to focus when i can't even focus on myself. then i sit and wait for practices which is pointless when i can't even compete. then i go home, exhausted, but it doesn't matter, because i can't sleep anyways. is this what you want to hear? because that's all you're going to get from me. this is my life now, and it's not going to change no matter where i go, or what i do. i've tried getting away and thinking about myself. nothing is helping me.**

_**H: i mean i just don't want you to be alone all the time even though i know you want to be. i don't want you thinking that you are. i'm not going to tell you what's going to make you better, because i obviously don't know. i just don't want you to be alone all the time.** _

**L: don't worry about me, you already know you can't do anything, and so do i. that's alright you've already done so much for me. just worry about you. it's seriously not worth it, all i'm going to do is eventually make you hate me, and it's going to end bad. i can't control my emotions. i'm broken, and that happened a while ago. i'm helpless. and i'm not even the best therapist in the world could help me now. this is who i am now, and i know you don't want to see me like this. but nothing is going to change that and i have to face. so do you. i can't be, or associate myself, with anyone because i'm just going to hurt everyone and besides, i have to figure me out first. which isn't going to be for years to come, maybe never. who knows how long i'll be able to take this anymore. and i don't want you to feel in fault. it wasn't your fault, harry. none of this was ever your fault. i loved you at one point, but i knew i couldn't hurt you anymore than i already did. please, forgive me. you couldn't help when it wasn't even possible in the first place.**

**\----**

Tuesday, May 13th, 2014. 10:16 AM.

_**H: Hey so I've been thinking a lot lately and I wanted your opinion on something because i trust yours even though you might not wanna talk to me. that's fine, you don't have to answer. but i met someone and i want to tell you about him. remember, i'm always here.**  _

\----

It was Harry's last day of work for the summer, even though it was July still, Harry wasn't scheduled, but it was okay. It was better this way, anyway. This meant that Harry and Zayn wouldn't be working together, but it was okay. Harry needed a break, he was about to breakdown. There hadn't been anymore sparks with Zayn-- they dated, they were boyfriends, and it was okay for what it was. There wasn't anything more than that. The spark wasn't real, and it had been almost four fucking months since he had heard from Louis. It was be four months in a week, and that was horrifying. He missed him more than anything in the world, and crying didn't help even though his body thought it would be a good idea all the time. He just felt more depressed than anything. Nothing was ever feeling right anymore. There were days he didn't want to get out of bed for the soul fact that he wouldn't see Louis' face today. They wouldn't laugh, and he wouldn't get to think about them together-- cuddled together watching dumb TV shows and talking about oblivion. All the important things. 

It was a normal day, he guessed. Niall was over, and they were sitting around. Harry wasn't in the mood, and even though he was on the sofa across from Niall, he was crying. Niall knew Harry so well, and seeing him cry like that was something that only meant he was truly broken. But Niall knew that Louis had something to do with the fact that Harry was breaking down-- he was raw and so shattered. 

He had texted the boy a few hours before. It was something that made him really think about wanting to give up. It was over, and there wasn't ever a  _them_. 

\----

Sunday, July 6th, 2014. 5:06 PM. 

**_H: Hi, as much as as you want to get rid of me, you probably won't because I just wanna make sure you're okay. even thought you haven't been. so yeah, uhh i'm probably annoying you, but i just need to make sure. you should know this about me by now haha i've been going through a weird time, and you're the only person i know who would talk to me about it. i don't care if the Louis i  know is there or not, i still miss talking to whoever it was. no one could make me smile like he could, and i've had an epiphany recently that has made all of this make sense. i'm trying to find another you in the world, and it's not really working out for me. idk why i'm telling you this, but i feel like you're the only one who cares because all my other friends are sick of me talking about it. i'm such an idiot, i'm sorry. i'm not obsessive, i just miss someone always there for me. i miss you._ **

\----

"Harry, you're just going to make yourself sick." Niall looked at the boy, his eyes saddened by his friend so upset over it. Harry hadn't stopped crying for a good few hours, and it was only getting the worse the more he talked about it. He stared outside his apartment window, the rain was running down it, just like the tears on his face. There hadn't been any stopping them. 

"Then so be it." His eyes were droopy from the feeling of extreme exhaustion. He just wanted to be happy. Niall had been so supportive of this entire rollercoaster, but of course, there were moments when Harry knew that Niall got tired of it all. He just wanted to be happy for Niall, too. Niall had his own struggles to deal with, and didn't need Harry's too. When he felt the blonde's presence next to him, he didn't look over. He didn't want to cry harder than before, but he choked a sob back when he felt the hand on his back. 

"Why do you consider Louis an option in your life, H? After everything why do you still see him as an open door?" Both boys were leaning on their knees, Harry pulled his up, though. Resting his head on top of them, shaking his head as he rubbed at the scarf wrapped around his head. He wanted to be as comfortable as possible these few days. It was all about not being sad anymore. 

"That's the number one question. We just... we understood each other. We shared things that I've never with anyone. I know he opened up to me more than anyone." He felt the tears stinging the back of his eye before he closed them to make sure they wouldn't fall. He rubbed his hand over his eyes before he sobbed a few time. "I loved him." 

Niall's eyes were brimming, not wanting to see his friend so upset. There was so much he could say, but he needed to comfort him right now. It was important to make sure Harry felt the love he really deserved. 

"There are so many different types of love, Harry. I know you know that. Find something or someone else to put your love and your passion into. I know you think he's worth it, but he's not the same anymore. I just want to know why you put so much of this on yourself. Why are you doing it to yourself when you know everything I'm telling you?" 

Harry slouched in his chair, he face burning from the obvious tear stains and poutiness of his lips that were salty from their washes. "It's the greatest amount of self-harm I can give myself. A cut of burn would never amount to being blatantly rejected by someone who means the world to you." 

It was then Harry realized how deep he really was in love-- it wasn't just this school-boy crush anymore. There was something about the boy he needed, and something he truly wanted from him. There was something so incredibly, fucking strong about their connection. Why couldn't the other boy see it? Why couldn't anyone feel the way he felt-- no one could understand the internal pain and struggle that came with it everyday. It was a psychological loss, a problem that he seemed to not be able to get over.

It was like a death, something he just couldn't accept yet. It would come with time. Someone would come along and make Harry forget everything-- they would make Harry want to be everything he was with Louis. Something about the blue eyes that were the shade of the evening sky, a rich blue that couldn't even compete with the blue of the ocean. There wasn't anything more beautiful than the hair that fell over the boy's forehead, something so incredibly warm and deepening about thinking about the boys laugh. 

Someone would make him forget about all that-- they wouldn't replace, but they would make everything so much better. They would make him feel like they were finally  _worth it._

They would finally make Harry feel like he was able to fit into their weird, little world. 

__


End file.
